Snowed In

We had a strange, surreal and wonderful weekend. We were basically snowed in all weekend. Every event, including church, was canceled. We did a lot of shoveling and playing in the snow. It was wonderful to just be home and cozy and have time with the family. It was great to be getting exercise everyday over the weekend.

I didn’t eat intuitively all weekend, but along the way I made good choices. It wasn’t a perfect weekend eating-wise, but I felt like those good choices were affirming to me and steps forward. I keep reminding myself that it’s a journey and a process. Truly trying to focus on the positive changes I am seeing.

Most of all at the moment, I want to be healthy and I have a long way to go. I am great with exercising and will continue to get better with that, but I want to see more changes in my relationship with food. I’ve never been fearful about health before as far as weight goes. I am a bit of a hypochondriac, but I’ve never felt like my weight has been having a negative effect on my health until the last year or so.

Intellectually, the answers are easy. Emotionally, the answers are not as easy. The solution is simple, but not easy to walk out.

One day at a time!

Good Days

I’ve had a couple of good days. By good days, I mean that I have not been obsessing about food every waking moment. I’ve felt some peace.

I haven’t actually felt hunger pains every time I’ve eaten, but I certainly have been eating less often and in smaller quantities.

To not be thinking about food constantly is an amazing thing.

I’m sure that there will be tougher days ahead and I have had some moments when I’ve been tempted to make an unhealthy choice, but I will enjoy these days while I have them.

I also forget how cold I get when I eat less! Brrr. It doesn’t help that we’re in the middle of a winter storm and we’ve been below freezing for days. Right now it is 9F!

Feeling grateful and hopeful.

Slave to the Scale

So after yesterday, I was excited to step on the scale this morning. I drank lots of water, didn’t binge, exercised – I was feeling great, motivated and confident. Sadly, when I stepped on the scale I was up about half a pound. So of course, I moved the scale around a bit on the floor and it showed me at the same weight as yesterday.

I was seriously bummed. It’s affected my mood all day. I’ve been unmotivated and sad. I’ve done ok on my eating, but wanted to have a huge binge so bad since it felt like it didn’t matter.

It’s not right that the scale should have that much power. To go, in moments, from confidence to hopelessness because of a number. Sigh.

I like that weighing myself daily can help me track what’s happening with my body, but I also know that I will need to distance myself from the scale at some point. Perhaps only weighing once a week, then once a month. I don’t know. I do know that I’m not quite ready yet. I have to deal with one addiction at a time!

Here’s to staying strong today and not giving in to the despair. Deep breaths.

Journaling

As a new week and a new month are beginning, I am once again embarking. It’s cold and crisp here with fresh powdery snow on the ground. I am thankful for a new beginning in my journey to freedom.

I’ve begun journaling about this path and I want to share some of what I write here. I’m also keeping a food journal at the same time to hopefully become more aware of what and why I eat as I do.

I wrote the following yesterday:

Tomorrow is Monday. January feels like it has been one long binge. I feel terrible. Unhealthy, uncomfortable and gross.

Issues must be addressed. Change must happen or I will eat myself into an early grave.

I’ve been waiting for some magic to happen, for me to suddenly “get it”. Instead my habit patterns and behaviors have jest become more engrained and set.

I know that there is a mix of addiction, habit patterns, laziness and fear at work.

What’s the “solution”? How can I get free? For the long-term, for the rest of my life?

I have a feeling that this will be a life-long battle. That scares me and makes me sad, but I know that it is most likely the truth.

I know that a diet is not the answer despite the fact that my biggest struggle is with food.

My ultimate dream and desire is that I will eat healthy tasty foods in moderation, in response to hunger. That I would be able to enjoy food without being a slave to food.

I am praying that if I invest the time now – the effort, the hard work – that one day I will move into maintenance mode. I don’t doubt that there will always be a struggle, but I pray that it won’t be so intense.

So, can I do this on my own or do I need help? I don’t know.

Still Here

It’s always awkward when you’ve neglected your blog for a while. I suppose it’s my blog though so I won’t hold on to any guilt! It has been a while though. Since I last blogged I’ve been on an Alaska cruise – it was amazing, celebrated my parent’s 50th anniversary, had a visit from my mother-in-law from New Zealand and my son went back to school. Busy times. I lost some ground, but I’m getting back on track and into my groove again. My stationary bike, which is my main form of exercise, bit the dust and it took a while to get another. I really missed it and I’m thankful to be back in the saddle, as it were.

I have several friends who are working hard to lose weight and finding success. It’s inspiring. I don’t always like their methods, but to each his own. Onwards towards health and a wardrobe full of amazing clothes!

Weigh In Wednesday – July 31, 2013

I’m still here! Still here and as of today, no weight loss for the last two weeks. That is to say, I’ve gained, I’ve lost and I’m at exactly the same place I was two weeks ago.

Not sure what is going on with me mentally and emotionally, it’s just a struggle. I haven’t been counting calories and I know that’s why I’m not losing. Why is it such a battle?

I am thankful that I haven’t gained and that things are definitely different in my mind. While I am still struggling at times with binge eating/thinking, it doesn’t last as long, it doesn’t have the same hold on me. I can see myself living life without food being my master.

I just want to get to my goal so I can start maintaining! Ha. Anyway, I continue to get good exercise everyday. The weather has calmed down a bit and isn’t so blazingly hot which helps a lot. I also have some fitness challenge plans that I will be sharing soon.

Motivation Board

When I started this journey at the beginning of June, I was looking on Pinterest for inspiration. I came across the idea for a motivation board. I love checklists and tracking progress, so I was sold.

I came up with my own ideas for the board and I love it. It’s been helpful for me, but I know that I will need to update it with new things soon so that it doesn’t lose its power.

I really need the motivation at the moment. I am still journeying, but I am also struggling. Old demons, ways of thinking, habits.

It is exciting to see progress and pounds lost.

I Stopped.

This is hard. I’m struggling today. I know that it’s just one day, this too shall pass. I’m a bit weary. I’ve eaten in a bingeing fashion. Not tons and not for hours, but it happened.

I think my trigger was that I skipped breakfast because I was busy. That started me thinking that I deserved to have something extra. So I ate some cold pasta which is one of my favorite things, then I put it away. Then I got it back out of the fridge and finished it off. I also had a bowl of cereal and some nachos. I stopped.

I stopped. That’s the thing. I stopped. I’m not sick-full. I stopped. I could have gone so much further as I have often done in the past, but I stopped.

I stopped.

Weigh In Wednesday – July 17, 2013

It’s hard to believe after my extended time “off”, I lost 2 pounds this week. Phew. It feels good to know that taking a break won’t ruin everything.

So that means 13 pounds since the start of June and 15 pounds down from my highest weight. Yay!

People aren’t stopping me in the street and saying how good I look or how much weight I’ve lost, but I know I’m making progress and my body and my mind are changing.

On a side note, I’m making some big, albeit cosmetic changes in my house. They’ve been a long time coming and it feels amazing. Lighter, brighter, more me. Change is a good thing.

I just realized – 13 pounds is what I lost at the beginning of 2013 on the diet competition I did. It’s also what I regained soon after I finished that diet. That four week diet sent me into a bingey, out of control season that lasted for about five months. It took me six weeks and two days to lose 13 pounds this time, but I’m not heading into freaky territory. I’m living a new life, I’m changed and I’m changing.

I was wrong, but I was right…

So my last post was all about feeling inspired and excited about the future and being positive. And then the next day happened. Nothing major, no horrible events, just life. I felt gross, I felt sick, I felt defeated and discouraged. So what did I do? You bet, I ate. For about four days, I just didn’t care. I counted no calories, I read no labels.

I still made better choices than I usually do when I go into binge mode, which makes me hopeful and happy. I didn’t give up, I knew that I was going to continue the journey. I didn’t eat until I was sick. I still exercised for five days last week. I got a lot done in my home. I did not lose myself to the binge.

So I was wrong in some ways, my first big battle came sooner than I had hoped it would, but I was right in that the face of the war is changing. I’m changing. I have better weapons, I’m getting stronger.

We’ll see what my weigh-in holds for me on Wednesday. I’m back to making good choices, counting those calories. I’m continuing the journey. I’m thankful for change.