Category Archives: Progress

Snowed In

We had a strange, surreal and wonderful weekend. We were basically snowed in all weekend. Every event, including church, was canceled. We did a lot of shoveling and playing in the snow. It was wonderful to just be home and cozy and have time with the family. It was great to be getting exercise everyday over the weekend.

I didn’t eat intuitively all weekend, but along the way I made good choices. It wasn’t a perfect weekend eating-wise, but I felt like those good choices were affirming to me and steps forward. I keep reminding myself that it’s a journey and a process. Truly trying to focus on the positive changes I am seeing.

Most of all at the moment, I want to be healthy and I have a long way to go. I am great with exercising and will continue to get better with that, but I want to see more changes in my relationship with food. I’ve never been fearful about health before as far as weight goes. I am a bit of a hypochondriac, but I’ve never felt like my weight has been having a negative effect on my health until the last year or so.

Intellectually, the answers are easy. Emotionally, the answers are not as easy. The solution is simple, but not easy to walk out.

One day at a time!

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Good Days

I’ve had a couple of good days. By good days, I mean that I have not been obsessing about food every waking moment. I’ve felt some peace.

I haven’t actually felt hunger pains every time I’ve eaten, but I certainly have been eating less often and in smaller quantities.

To not be thinking about food constantly is an amazing thing.

I’m sure that there will be tougher days ahead and I have had some moments when I’ve been tempted to make an unhealthy choice, but I will enjoy these days while I have them.

I also forget how cold I get when I eat less! Brrr. It doesn’t help that we’re in the middle of a winter storm and we’ve been below freezing for days. Right now it is 9F!

Feeling grateful and hopeful.

Slave to the Scale

So after yesterday, I was excited to step on the scale this morning. I drank lots of water, didn’t binge, exercised – I was feeling great, motivated and confident. Sadly, when I stepped on the scale I was up about half a pound. So of course, I moved the scale around a bit on the floor and it showed me at the same weight as yesterday.

I was seriously bummed. It’s affected my mood all day. I’ve been unmotivated and sad. I’ve done ok on my eating, but wanted to have a huge binge so bad since it felt like it didn’t matter.

It’s not right that the scale should have that much power. To go, in moments, from confidence to hopelessness because of a number. Sigh.

I like that weighing myself daily can help me track what’s happening with my body, but I also know that I will need to distance myself from the scale at some point. Perhaps only weighing once a week, then once a month. I don’t know. I do know that I’m not quite ready yet. I have to deal with one addiction at a time!

Here’s to staying strong today and not giving in to the despair. Deep breaths.

Motivation Board

When I started this journey at the beginning of June, I was looking on Pinterest for inspiration. I came across the idea for a motivation board. I love checklists and tracking progress, so I was sold.

I came up with my own ideas for the board and I love it. It’s been helpful for me, but I know that I will need to update it with new things soon so that it doesn’t lose its power.

May 2013 346 May 2013 347 May 2013 348 May 2013 349 May 2013 350 May 2013 351 May 2013 352

I really need the motivation at the moment. I am still journeying, but I am also struggling. Old demons, ways of thinking, habits.

July 2013 143July 2013 144

It is exciting to see progress and pounds lost.

Weigh In Wednesday – July 17, 2013

It’s hard to believe after my extended time “off”, I lost 2 pounds this week. Phew. It feels good to know that taking a break won’t ruin everything.

So that means 13 pounds since the start of June and 15 pounds down from my highest weight. Yay!

People aren’t stopping me in the street and saying how good I look or how much weight I’ve lost, but I know I’m making progress and my body and my mind are changing.

On a side note, I’m making some big, albeit cosmetic changes in my house. They’ve been a long time coming and it feels amazing. Lighter, brighter, more me. Change is a good thing.

I just realized – 13 pounds is what I lost at the beginning of 2013 on the diet competition I did. It’s also what I regained soon after I finished that diet. That four week diet sent me into a bingey, out of control season that lasted for about five months. It took me six weeks and two days to lose 13 pounds this time, but I’m not heading into freaky territory. I’m living a new life, I’m changed and I’m changing.

I was wrong, but I was right…

So my last post was all about feeling inspired and excited about the future and being positive. And then the next day happened. Nothing major, no horrible events, just life. I felt gross, I felt sick, I felt defeated and discouraged. So what did I do? You bet, I ate. For about four days, I just didn’t care. I counted no calories, I read no labels.

I still made better choices than I usually do when I go into binge mode, which makes me hopeful and happy. I didn’t give up, I knew that I was going to continue the journey. I didn’t eat until I was sick. I still exercised for five days last week. I got a lot done in my home. I did not lose myself to the binge.

So I was wrong in some ways, my first big battle came sooner than I had hoped it would, but I was right in that the face of the war is changing. I’m changing. I have better weapons, I’m getting stronger.

We’ll see what my weigh-in holds for me on Wednesday. I’m back to making good choices, counting those calories. I’m continuing the journey. I’m thankful for change.

Weigh In Wednesday – July 10, 2013

Down one pound this week. Slow and steady and stay motivated. I am learning so much about myself – my strengths, my weaknesses, my goals and desires for the future.

Because I have not put a time limit on this journey, because I am not on a diet, because this is about changing my mind and not just my body, I have a totally different outlook and reaction to challenges and setbacks. It’s still hard when I only lose one pound in a week, despite that being my goal, but I don’t respond by giving up. There is something that has switched in my mind and I’m not quitting.

There are still so many issues I have with food. It’s ridiculous, but I know that it will change. Like any addiction, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be completely free from compulsion in regards to food, but I do know that in time, it will not consume me. It’s hold on me will lessen and I will be able to enjoy food for its taste, for its power to fuel me and not for its ability to momentarily numb pain or cover emotion.

I’m thankful that one more pound has gone, but mostly I’m thankful for a healthy journey that is changing my life.

Salad Days

Let’s talk salad. I eat a lot of salad. I love salad. I love the tastes, the crunch, the variety, and I will admit that I love that I can eat a lot of it for a few calories. I am not far enough along on my journey to a healthy relationship with food that I don’t still desire to feel like I’m eating a lot, feeling full.

Most days for lunch, I have a salad. Not everyday, but most days. It’s easy, convenient and lovely in the Summer. I start with a base of lots of lettuce – usually romaine. I add a couple tablespoons of salad dressing – I make my own or I buy one without hundreds of calories. Then I will add some other vegetables – celery, bell pepper, tomato and green onion are some of my favorites. Sometimes I’ll add canned or bottled other things as well – hearts of palm, artichoke hearts, beets. Finally, I add my favorite thing – protein! Meat! I love meat. I use canned tuna and chicken, leftover meat from dinner, chicken breast strips, lunch meat, ham. It’s all good.

This is what a usual salad looks like along with the calories.

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salad calories

So, the other day, we were at Walmart at lunch time and I wanted a quick, convenient lunch. I let the boys pick out some Lunchables – bleh! They enjoyed it. I decided to get a packaged salad – I was kind of excited about it – different flavors, all calories counted for me. So I started looking. There were three ranges – small, medium and large. Pretty much three flavors in each size – cobb, chef and southwest. I looked at each of them and eventually chose the smallest. It only had 190 calories which is much less than I usually have at lunch. It tasted pretty good, mostly due to the creamy, Ranch dressing I imagine. I do miss creamy dressings – cannot justify those calories. Anyway, the medium size was barely bigger than the small size and had 50 more calories. Here’s the kicker, the large size which looked to me to mostly just be more lettuce and a bit more toppings was 540 calories! I am not going to spend that many calories on a store-bought salad. Arg. I have no idea what jacked up the calories so much – dressing? a bit of creamy dressing?

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From now on, unless I’m desperate, I will stick with my own salads.

Weigh In Wednesday – July 3, 2013

Phew – it is hot here! I know it’s not as hot as it is in some other parts of the US, but it’s too hot for me. Especially with no air conditioning. Sigh. I’ll deal with it, but it’s not much fun.

So today, at four weeks and two days into this journey I’ve lost a total of 10 pounds from starting weight and 12 pounds from my highest, non-pregnant weight. That’s two pounds in the last week. I’ve taken probably a week’s worth of days “off” – simply not counting calories. Most have been moderate, a couple of bingey days.

I’m super pleased with my results so far on the scale. I’d like to feel more in the way my clothes are fitting. However, I wasn’t really wearing tight-fitting clothes before I started so it’s not the greatest of indicators – I think I am just anxious to start wearing more of my clothes and I’m not there yet. Of course, trying clothes on or wearing anything other than the minimal basics is not very appealing.

Feeling thankful these days. I very rarely have any stomach or bowel pain anymore. I am sleeping better though the heat makes that tough. I am getting up way too many times in the night because of all the water I’m drinking!

I am happy at the moment to not push myself overly hard with my exercise. I get up at 5:30 am on weekdays and do my stationary bike for 30 minutes on a program that involves a gradual uphill until the last 12 minutes when it starts downhill. When it’s cooler, I have been pushing myself to do 10 miles, but with it being so hot, I do just over 9 miles. When it cools down again, I think I will need to start pushing myself some more.

Monday, Monday

So I know the difference when I am just not counting calories and when I veer into bingeing territory. I took some time off this weekend and I started off with just taking it easy, but by Sunday I was bingeing. I didn’t necessarily eat a lot, though I certainly consumed more calories than I usually do. I was eating and I wasn’t hungry, I was eating and it was because I wasn’t tracking that I wanted to eat everything I don’t usually have in a day. I work hard to not deny myself anything I want – I just save the calories. I just can’t have huge portions or have it all in one day.

I get so fed up with food addiction – it’s such a lame thing to be addicted to. Not that I want to be addicted to anything else, but it’s so frustrating to be addicted. The lack of control over is so hard. Why can’t I just not put the food into my mouth?

Anyway, I’m still struggling a bit today – not bingeing, but I’ve grabbed bites here and there. Bleh.

I am encouraging myself and deciding that one or two days of overeating doesn’t mean that I give up on the whole thing either for the day or for the week or for the year. A few bad choices doesn’t ruin my chances of success.

Making good, life-affirming choices for the rest of this day. One moment at a time.