Category Archives: Goals

Slave to the Scale

So after yesterday, I was excited to step on the scale this morning. I drank lots of water, didn’t binge, exercised – I was feeling great, motivated and confident. Sadly, when I stepped on the scale I was up about half a pound. So of course, I moved the scale around a bit on the floor and it showed me at the same weight as yesterday.

I was seriously bummed. It’s affected my mood all day. I’ve been unmotivated and sad. I’ve done ok on my eating, but wanted to have a huge binge so bad since it felt like it didn’t matter.

It’s not right that the scale should have that much power. To go, in moments, from confidence to hopelessness because of a number. Sigh.

I like that weighing myself daily can help me track what’s happening with my body, but I also know that I will need to distance myself from the scale at some point. Perhaps only weighing once a week, then once a month. I don’t know. I do know that I’m not quite ready yet. I have to deal with one addiction at a time!

Here’s to staying strong today and not giving in to the despair. Deep breaths.

Journaling

As a new week and a new month are beginning, I am once again embarking. It’s cold and crisp here with fresh powdery snow on the ground. I am thankful for a new beginning in my journey to freedom.

I’ve begun journaling about this path and I want to share some of what I write here. I’m also keeping a food journal at the same time to hopefully become more aware of what and why I eat as I do.

I wrote the following yesterday:

Tomorrow is Monday. January feels like it has been one long binge. I feel terrible. Unhealthy, uncomfortable and gross.

Issues must be addressed. Change must happen or I will eat myself into an early grave.

I’ve been waiting for some magic to happen, for me to suddenly “get it”. Instead my habit patterns and behaviors have jest become more engrained and set.

I know that there is a mix of addiction, habit patterns, laziness and fear at work.

What’s the “solution”? How can I get free? For the long-term, for the rest of my life?

I have a feeling that this will be a life-long battle. That scares me and makes me sad, but I know that it is most likely the truth.

I know that a diet is not the answer despite the fact that my biggest struggle is with food.

My ultimate dream and desire is that I will eat healthy tasty foods in moderation, in response to hunger. That I would be able to enjoy food without being a slave to food.

I am praying that if I invest the time now – the effort, the hard work – that one day I will move into maintenance mode. I don’t doubt that there will always be a struggle, but I pray that it won’t be so intense.

So, can I do this on my own or do I need help? I don’t know.

Weigh In Wednesday – July 31, 2013

I’m still here! Still here and as of today, no weight loss for the last two weeks. That is to say, I’ve gained, I’ve lost and I’m at exactly the same place I was two weeks ago.

Not sure what is going on with me mentally and emotionally, it’s just a struggle. I haven’t been counting calories and I know that’s why I’m not losing. Why is it such a battle?

I am thankful that I haven’t gained and that things are definitely different in my mind. While I am still struggling at times with binge eating/thinking, it doesn’t last as long, it doesn’t have the same hold on me. I can see myself living life without food being my master.

I just want to get to my goal so I can start maintaining! Ha. Anyway, I continue to get good exercise everyday. The weather has calmed down a bit and isn’t so blazingly hot which helps a lot. I also have some fitness challenge plans that I will be sharing soon.

Motivation Board

When I started this journey at the beginning of June, I was looking on Pinterest for inspiration. I came across the idea for a motivation board. I love checklists and tracking progress, so I was sold.

I came up with my own ideas for the board and I love it. It’s been helpful for me, but I know that I will need to update it with new things soon so that it doesn’t lose its power.

May 2013 346 May 2013 347 May 2013 348 May 2013 349 May 2013 350 May 2013 351 May 2013 352

I really need the motivation at the moment. I am still journeying, but I am also struggling. Old demons, ways of thinking, habits.

July 2013 143July 2013 144

It is exciting to see progress and pounds lost.

I was wrong, but I was right…

So my last post was all about feeling inspired and excited about the future and being positive. And then the next day happened. Nothing major, no horrible events, just life. I felt gross, I felt sick, I felt defeated and discouraged. So what did I do? You bet, I ate. For about four days, I just didn’t care. I counted no calories, I read no labels.

I still made better choices than I usually do when I go into binge mode, which makes me hopeful and happy. I didn’t give up, I knew that I was going to continue the journey. I didn’t eat until I was sick. I still exercised for five days last week. I got a lot done in my home. I did not lose myself to the binge.

So I was wrong in some ways, my first big battle came sooner than I had hoped it would, but I was right in that the face of the war is changing. I’m changing. I have better weapons, I’m getting stronger.

We’ll see what my weigh-in holds for me on Wednesday. I’m back to making good choices, counting those calories. I’m continuing the journey. I’m thankful for change.

Weigh In Wednesday – July 10, 2013

Down one pound this week. Slow and steady and stay motivated. I am learning so much about myself – my strengths, my weaknesses, my goals and desires for the future.

Because I have not put a time limit on this journey, because I am not on a diet, because this is about changing my mind and not just my body, I have a totally different outlook and reaction to challenges and setbacks. It’s still hard when I only lose one pound in a week, despite that being my goal, but I don’t respond by giving up. There is something that has switched in my mind and I’m not quitting.

There are still so many issues I have with food. It’s ridiculous, but I know that it will change. Like any addiction, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be completely free from compulsion in regards to food, but I do know that in time, it will not consume me. It’s hold on me will lessen and I will be able to enjoy food for its taste, for its power to fuel me and not for its ability to momentarily numb pain or cover emotion.

I’m thankful that one more pound has gone, but mostly I’m thankful for a healthy journey that is changing my life.

Healthy Tools – Spark People

I discovered Spark People a few years ago. I started using it to track calories and then workouts. Eventually I also started tracking other goals as well as weight and measurements. I love it. There are so many great features and so many areas I have yet to explore. There’s a great community section with teams and personal pages.

I love that I can save favorite foods and workouts. I can also input foods that aren’t in the database. It has a great app as well that I can use on the go for my phone and tablet.

I’ve used more and less features as needed. For me, at this point in my journey, tracking calories is very important. I can imagine a time when it won’t be as important, but for now it is and I’ve found Spark People to be an amazing resource. It’s also far more than a calorie counter. I’m still getting to know the site and all it has to offer. There are many inspiring success stories. I love that you can join teams and take part in challenges. You can find buddies if you need to, but it’s also ok to just hang out by yourself and use the tools that are offered. Did I mention that it’s all free?

If you are on Spark People already, feel free to look me up. My user name is Melncolyspark.

spark people

This isn’t a sponsored post, I just wanted to share one of the tools that I am using along the way.

Weigh In Wednesday – July 3, 2013

Phew – it is hot here! I know it’s not as hot as it is in some other parts of the US, but it’s too hot for me. Especially with no air conditioning. Sigh. I’ll deal with it, but it’s not much fun.

So today, at four weeks and two days into this journey I’ve lost a total of 10 pounds from starting weight and 12 pounds from my highest, non-pregnant weight. That’s two pounds in the last week. I’ve taken probably a week’s worth of days “off” – simply not counting calories. Most have been moderate, a couple of bingey days.

I’m super pleased with my results so far on the scale. I’d like to feel more in the way my clothes are fitting. However, I wasn’t really wearing tight-fitting clothes before I started so it’s not the greatest of indicators – I think I am just anxious to start wearing more of my clothes and I’m not there yet. Of course, trying clothes on or wearing anything other than the minimal basics is not very appealing.

Feeling thankful these days. I very rarely have any stomach or bowel pain anymore. I am sleeping better though the heat makes that tough. I am getting up way too many times in the night because of all the water I’m drinking!

I am happy at the moment to not push myself overly hard with my exercise. I get up at 5:30 am on weekdays and do my stationary bike for 30 minutes on a program that involves a gradual uphill until the last 12 minutes when it starts downhill. When it’s cooler, I have been pushing myself to do 10 miles, but with it being so hot, I do just over 9 miles. When it cools down again, I think I will need to start pushing myself some more.

Summer Party Pooper

So Summer is my least favorite season. There are things I like about it – plants growing, lots of fresh fruit and veg, swimming, barbecues, relaxed schedule. Now if we could have all those things while never going about 65F, I’d be a happy camper.

I am super blessed to live in an area where Summer comes late, as in, it’s only starting right now for us. Many houses, including ours, don’t have air conditioning because it usually cools down quite nicely at night and doesn’t stay super hot for long throughout the year. Still, it’s not my favorite.

I don’t like being hot. At all. My exercise suffers – I still do it, I just don’t push as hard. I feel uncomfortable. Bleh. Whine, whine, whine. Let’s not even go into finding Summer clothes that are 1. Attractive, 2. Cool (temperature) and 3. Cool (style). Sigh. I wish I could enjoy Summer more. I know that dropping pounds will help that some, but even if I could walk around in a bikini all day and look amazing – I still don’t like being hot.

Anyway, at three and a bit weeks into this journey, I’ve lost 8 pounds. I didn’t do a Weigh In Wednesday as this week has been super busy. It feels good. I still haven’t noticed a big difference in my size, but I certainly feel better health-wise. My gut doesn’t hurt at night, I have more energy – not heaps more, but more and I just feel good.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is a slow and steady journey – one that will not end, no matter what size, weight or shape I end up at. I simply can’t go back to that life of bingeing and fear. While I know that I set out to have a slow and steady journey, I still want it all to happen so much quicker than it is happening and that is with pretty impressive losses so far. I just want to be able to wear all my clothes!

I continue to move forward. Eat less, move more, but mostly eat less. It’s simple, but not always easy. I’ve had some issues with hunger lately that I’ve never encountered before and I’m not entirely sure what to do about it. I don’t want to ignore my actual physical hunger, but I also want to stick with my plan. I need to think about it some more.

Also frustrated with the fact that I was on my plan the other day, had a skinny mocha with friends and still gained weight that day. I guess that’s part of the problem with weighing everyday. I may give that up at some point, but I’m not ready yet.

I’m still here, I’m still motivated, I’m still excited about the future.

Weigh In Wednesday June 19, 2013

Two and a half weeks into this journey with half a week “off”, but not crazy off and I’ve lost 6 pounds. I like the idea of saying “released” 6 pounds, but it sounds kind of cheesy. I am determined that there is no going back. My goal is to lose 58 pounds. I’ve lost 6 so that means that if I stick to my goal of an average of 1 pound a week, then one year from now, I will be at my goal weight. Summer will look quite different.

I actually took some time this morning to try on some clothes in my closet. I haven’t lost much, but I know I am feeling more confident, because I actually enjoyed it and am looking forward to trying some new outfits soon.

I do feel the desire to rush things, to lose it all quicker than my plan, but I am also feeling strong.