Category Archives: Intuitive Eating

Snowed In

We had a strange, surreal and wonderful weekend. We were basically snowed in all weekend. Every event, including church, was canceled. We did a lot of shoveling and playing in the snow. It was wonderful to just be home and cozy and have time with the family. It was great to be getting exercise everyday over the weekend.

I didn’t eat intuitively all weekend, but along the way I made good choices. It wasn’t a perfect weekend eating-wise, but I felt like those good choices were affirming to me and steps forward. I keep reminding myself that it’s a journey and a process. Truly trying to focus on the positive changes I am seeing.

Most of all at the moment, I want to be healthy and I have a long way to go. I am great with exercising and will continue to get better with that, but I want to see more changes in my relationship with food. I’ve never been fearful about health before as far as weight goes. I am a bit of a hypochondriac, but I’ve never felt like my weight has been having a negative effect on my health until the last year or so.

Intellectually, the answers are easy. Emotionally, the answers are not as easy. The solution is simple, but not easy to walk out.

One day at a time!

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Good Days

I’ve had a couple of good days. By good days, I mean that I have not been obsessing about food every waking moment. I’ve felt some peace.

I haven’t actually felt hunger pains every time I’ve eaten, but I certainly have been eating less often and in smaller quantities.

To not be thinking about food constantly is an amazing thing.

I’m sure that there will be tougher days ahead and I have had some moments when I’ve been tempted to make an unhealthy choice, but I will enjoy these days while I have them.

I also forget how cold I get when I eat less! Brrr. It doesn’t help that we’re in the middle of a winter storm and we’ve been below freezing for days. Right now it is 9F!

Feeling grateful and hopeful.

Slave to the Scale

So after yesterday, I was excited to step on the scale this morning. I drank lots of water, didn’t binge, exercised – I was feeling great, motivated and confident. Sadly, when I stepped on the scale I was up about half a pound. So of course, I moved the scale around a bit on the floor and it showed me at the same weight as yesterday.

I was seriously bummed. It’s affected my mood all day. I’ve been unmotivated and sad. I’ve done ok on my eating, but wanted to have a huge binge so bad since it felt like it didn’t matter.

It’s not right that the scale should have that much power. To go, in moments, from confidence to hopelessness because of a number. Sigh.

I like that weighing myself daily can help me track what’s happening with my body, but I also know that I will need to distance myself from the scale at some point. Perhaps only weighing once a week, then once a month. I don’t know. I do know that I’m not quite ready yet. I have to deal with one addiction at a time!

Here’s to staying strong today and not giving in to the despair. Deep breaths.

Journaling

As a new week and a new month are beginning, I am once again embarking. It’s cold and crisp here with fresh powdery snow on the ground. I am thankful for a new beginning in my journey to freedom.

I’ve begun journaling about this path and I want to share some of what I write here. I’m also keeping a food journal at the same time to hopefully become more aware of what and why I eat as I do.

I wrote the following yesterday:

Tomorrow is Monday. January feels like it has been one long binge. I feel terrible. Unhealthy, uncomfortable and gross.

Issues must be addressed. Change must happen or I will eat myself into an early grave.

I’ve been waiting for some magic to happen, for me to suddenly “get it”. Instead my habit patterns and behaviors have jest become more engrained and set.

I know that there is a mix of addiction, habit patterns, laziness and fear at work.

What’s the “solution”? How can I get free? For the long-term, for the rest of my life?

I have a feeling that this will be a life-long battle. That scares me and makes me sad, but I know that it is most likely the truth.

I know that a diet is not the answer despite the fact that my biggest struggle is with food.

My ultimate dream and desire is that I will eat healthy tasty foods in moderation, in response to hunger. That I would be able to enjoy food without being a slave to food.

I am praying that if I invest the time now – the effort, the hard work – that one day I will move into maintenance mode. I don’t doubt that there will always be a struggle, but I pray that it won’t be so intense.

So, can I do this on my own or do I need help? I don’t know.

I Stopped.

This is hard. I’m struggling today. I know that it’s just one day, this too shall pass. I’m a bit weary. I’ve eaten in a bingeing fashion. Not tons and not for hours, but it happened.

I think my trigger was that I skipped breakfast because I was busy. That started me thinking that I deserved to have something extra. So I ate some cold pasta which is one of my favorite things, then I put it away. Then I got it back out of the fridge and finished it off. I also had a bowl of cereal and some nachos. I stopped.

I stopped. That’s the thing. I stopped. I’m not sick-full. I stopped. I could have gone so much further as I have often done in the past, but I stopped.

I stopped.

Monday, Monday

So I know the difference when I am just not counting calories and when I veer into bingeing territory. I took some time off this weekend and I started off with just taking it easy, but by Sunday I was bingeing. I didn’t necessarily eat a lot, though I certainly consumed more calories than I usually do. I was eating and I wasn’t hungry, I was eating and it was because I wasn’t tracking that I wanted to eat everything I don’t usually have in a day. I work hard to not deny myself anything I want – I just save the calories. I just can’t have huge portions or have it all in one day.

I get so fed up with food addiction – it’s such a lame thing to be addicted to. Not that I want to be addicted to anything else, but it’s so frustrating to be addicted. The lack of control over is so hard. Why can’t I just not put the food into my mouth?

Anyway, I’m still struggling a bit today – not bingeing, but I’ve grabbed bites here and there. Bleh.

I am encouraging myself and deciding that one or two days of overeating doesn’t mean that I give up on the whole thing either for the day or for the week or for the year. A few bad choices doesn’t ruin my chances of success.

Making good, life-affirming choices for the rest of this day. One moment at a time.

Summer Party Pooper

So Summer is my least favorite season. There are things I like about it – plants growing, lots of fresh fruit and veg, swimming, barbecues, relaxed schedule. Now if we could have all those things while never going about 65F, I’d be a happy camper.

I am super blessed to live in an area where Summer comes late, as in, it’s only starting right now for us. Many houses, including ours, don’t have air conditioning because it usually cools down quite nicely at night and doesn’t stay super hot for long throughout the year. Still, it’s not my favorite.

I don’t like being hot. At all. My exercise suffers – I still do it, I just don’t push as hard. I feel uncomfortable. Bleh. Whine, whine, whine. Let’s not even go into finding Summer clothes that are 1. Attractive, 2. Cool (temperature) and 3. Cool (style). Sigh. I wish I could enjoy Summer more. I know that dropping pounds will help that some, but even if I could walk around in a bikini all day and look amazing – I still don’t like being hot.

Anyway, at three and a bit weeks into this journey, I’ve lost 8 pounds. I didn’t do a Weigh In Wednesday as this week has been super busy. It feels good. I still haven’t noticed a big difference in my size, but I certainly feel better health-wise. My gut doesn’t hurt at night, I have more energy – not heaps more, but more and I just feel good.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is a slow and steady journey – one that will not end, no matter what size, weight or shape I end up at. I simply can’t go back to that life of bingeing and fear. While I know that I set out to have a slow and steady journey, I still want it all to happen so much quicker than it is happening and that is with pretty impressive losses so far. I just want to be able to wear all my clothes!

I continue to move forward. Eat less, move more, but mostly eat less. It’s simple, but not always easy. I’ve had some issues with hunger lately that I’ve never encountered before and I’m not entirely sure what to do about it. I don’t want to ignore my actual physical hunger, but I also want to stick with my plan. I need to think about it some more.

Also frustrated with the fact that I was on my plan the other day, had a skinny mocha with friends and still gained weight that day. I guess that’s part of the problem with weighing everyday. I may give that up at some point, but I’m not ready yet.

I’m still here, I’m still motivated, I’m still excited about the future.

Monday, Monday

I took a few days off of posting – last week was super busy as my son was finishing up kindergarten and the same day we headed off to go camping. I didn’t track calories while we were gone, but I am pleased to report that I had a less than one pound gain. I made sure I took more nutritious snacks and we only prepared breakfast and dinner. It felt good to be able to go away and not be on a plan, but still maintain. I didn’t feel out of control most of the time.

I did fall into the Last Meal trap on Sunday night, knowing that today I would be counting calories again. I ate when I wasn’t hungry and more than I needed, just because I was going to be stricter again today. I didn’t enjoy it, it wasn’t satisfying at all. When will I learn? I do love fresh starts though. January and September are my favorite months because of that and Mondays are one of my favorite days because I can begin again.

I am excited though to still feel motivated and positive. The road before me is long. I am entering my third week, so two weeks under my belt and I feel good. I will report on my total loss on Wednesday.

Making Changes

I’m tired, I’m weary, I’m fed up.

I’ve struggled with my weight, my relationship with food, myself for so long. I have read and tried so many diets/plans/lifestyle programs and I am worse off than ever I was.

June 2013 001

After looking into intuitive eating and the damage that is caused by dieting, I am terribly afraid of going on a diet. The last one I went on was a competition-based diet. I lost 13 pounds and have since regained all of it and feel like I am still responding to it by bingeing and compulsive eating. That was six months ago.

I’ve been waiting for something to click in my head and just “get” it. To be able to eat naturally and intuitively. Nothing has clicked. I am 41 years old and I haven’t figured this thing out.

I have so much knowledge and yet I feel like I fail so miserably in this area of my life.

June 2013 009

I was talking to my husband yesterday about this and my renewed determination to change. I am going to be counting calories and tracking my workouts. I am going to work on good habits and focus on this area of my life. I said to him that although this new way of doing things isn’t “natural”, I didn’t become this heavy in a natural way either. It was the result of out of control eating. So for now, I am imposing some control on myself.

I am taking lessons learned from all the diets I’ve tried, all the books I’ve read and I’m making my own plan. I’ll outline that in a future post. While I do believe that diets are unhealthy overall and that they do more damage than good, there are things I’ve read and learned along the way that are helpful and healthful for me.

I am taking charge and doing the things that I know I can do, things that will move me forward. I know I don’t have all the answers now and I will face things in the future that I’m not sure how I’ll deal with, but I am doing something now and we’ll see where it leads.